Psychoeducation · Trauma responses
Why does it hurt so much when I start trusting someone again but don't know if I can count on them?
Thoughts you might recognize
“I thought I could finally trust someone again.”
“How could I believe things would be different this time?”
A closer look
If someone has broken your trust before, it can mean a lot when another person treats you with kindness and understanding. You may feel ready to open up again for the first time in a long while. But if they then go quiet for a long time, or you don't know when you'll hear from them, you may start to wonder: Did I misunderstand what their kindness meant? When you've been hurt before, you may begin to doubt not only the other person, but also your own judgment.
Something important to remember
Maybe you haven't felt this happy in a long time. It meant a lot to have someone listen to you and understand you. You began to feel hopeful again. You don't need to feel ashamed of that happiness just because things hurt later.
Maybe their kindness was real, but the long silence and not knowing what to expect still hurt. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling that way.
You may not need someone to be there all the time. You may just want to know what to expect. It can mean a lot when someone tells you if plans change and you can talk about it together. You don't have to decide right away how much you can trust someone. Over time, their words and actions can help you see whether you can count on them.
Something to hold on to
There was nothing wrong with me for trying to trust again. When someone isn't as reliable as I hoped, it doesn't mean I was wrong to open up.
I need more than kind words to feel safe. I also need to see, over time, that I can count on someone.
Sources and research (5)
- Melin, A. & Salkovskis, P. M. (2025) · Sensitivity to Betrayal and New Intimate Relationship Building in Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence
- Camanto, O. J. & Campbell, L. (2025) · Trust in Close Relationships Revisited
- Murray, S. L. & Pascuzzi, G. S. (2024) · Pursuing Safety in Social Connection: A Flexibly Fluid Perspective on Risk Regulation in Relationships
- Forbush, A. et al. (2025) · Can I Trust You? Bidirectional, Longitudinal Associations Between Trust and Various Topics of Couple Communication
- SAMHSA · Trauma-Informed Approaches and Programs