Psychoeducation · Trauma responses
Why did it feel like I couldn't do anything right?
You might think…
“If I speak up, that's wrong. If I stay quiet, that's wrong too.”
“Whatever I did, I got in trouble.”
A closer look
When someone's rules keep changing, they might praise you for something one day and punish you for the same thing the next. They may demand two things that don't fit together: “Be honest, but don't say anything I don't want to hear.” Or “Stay close to me, but leave me alone when I say so.” When threats or physical violence are possible, that uncertainty can be frightening. You may spend much of your time trying to work out how to avoid the next threat or attack.
What matters
Maybe you planned what to say, watched their mood, and tried to keep up with every new demand. Even then, you couldn't always stop them from hurting you.
If they punished you one day for speaking up and another day for staying quiet, there was no answer that could always keep you safe. It may have been even more frightening if a “wrong” answer could lead to threats or physical violence.
It's understandable if you still ask yourself what you should have done differently. They were the one changing the rules. Nothing you said or did caused them to abuse you. They were responsible for the violence.
A reminder
It wasn't my fault that I couldn't keep up with their changing rules.
They chose to hurt me. It wasn't caused by what I said or did.