Psychoeducation · Trauma responses
Why did I feel like I needed permission for everything?
You might think…
“I need to ask first.”
“If I decide this on my own, there'll be trouble.”
A closer look
Coercive control can involve lots of everyday rules: who you can see, what you can spend money on, where you can go, and what you can tell other people. If someone threatens, humiliates, or hurts you when you don't follow their rules, you may start asking permission for things you used to decide for yourself. That isn't simply being unsure of yourself. You may really have had much less freedom to choose.
What matters
Maybe they questioned you about meeting a friend or buying something small. They might even have been angry about what time you left the house. Little by little, you had to think about how they'd react to even the most ordinary choices. Asking permission may have been a way to avoid another threat or punishment.
From the outside, you might have looked indecisive. But maybe you knew exactly what you wanted and were afraid of what would happen if you did it. Their threats and constant questioning took away some of your freedom.
That fear can come back later, even when they're no longer deciding what you're allowed to do. It doesn't mean they ever had the right to control you.
A reminder
I asked permission because I was afraid of what they'd do, not because I couldn't make decisions.
They had no right to control my life or make decisions for me.