Psychoeducation · Trauma responses
Why did I feel like I had to save them?
You might think…
“Maybe if I love them enough, they'll get better.”
“I can't leave them when they're like this.”
A closer look
Maybe they talked about their pain, their difficult past, or how helpless they felt, as if that explained why they hurt you. You may have believed that if you were patient enough, understood their past, and helped them, they'd eventually stop the abuse. Meanwhile, there may have been less and less room for what you were going through and what you needed.
What matters
Maybe you often heard about their difficult childhood, how much they were suffering, or how you were the only person they had. After a while, you may have spent more time thinking about how to calm them down so they wouldn't hurt you again than about what was happening to you.
Maybe they threatened or hurt you, and afterward you were the one who had to comfort them. All the while, perhaps no one asked how you were doing or what you needed.
It wasn't your job to make them stop the abuse. Their difficult past or suffering didn't give them the right to hurt you.
A reminder
I tried to help them, but I needed help and protection too.
Their struggles didn't give them the right to hurt me.
Sources and research (3)
- Choudhury, Martland & Luzon (2025) · Women’s Experiences of Coercive Control in Intimate Partner Relationships: A Qualitative Systematic Review
- Badenes-Sastre et al. (2025) · Cognitive Distortions and Decision-Making in Women Victims of Intimate Partner Violence: A Scoping Review
- WHO (2014) · Health Care for Women Subjected to Intimate Partner Violence or Sexual Violence: A Clinical Handbook