Psychoeducation · Trauma responses
Why do I sometimes miss the person who hurt me?
You might think…
“I miss them, but I don't want to go back.”
“Sometimes I still remember the good moments.”
A closer look
When a relationship ends, you may miss more than the person. You may miss your routines together, the future you hoped for, everyday things that felt familiar, or the hope that things would one day get better. You might feel love, anger, and loss at different times, even while knowing how painful or dangerous the relationship was. You can grieve a relationship in which you were abused.
What matters
You may miss them even when you can see how much pain the relationship caused. That can be confusing. If I miss them, was it really that bad? Does it mean I want to go back?
But losing a relationship can mean losing more than just the person. You may miss a familiar voice, a routine, the future you pictured together, or the hope that the violence would finally stop. You can grieve even a relationship you had to escape.
Missing something doesn't erase what they did to you. It doesn't mean you want to be with them again. You may have many different feelings at once, and it can take time to understand them.
A reminder
I can miss parts of that relationship without wanting to go through the abuse again.
I can grieve the future I hoped we'd have.