Psychoeducation · Trauma responses
Why did I go back when I knew they were hurting me?
You might think…
“I knew what might happen, but I went back anyway.”
“Why wasn't I stronger?”
A closer look
There may have been many reasons you went back: love, hope, threats, worries about your children, not having enough money, nowhere safe to live, or feeling cut off from others. You may also have been afraid that leaving would put you in even more danger. Other people may have thought you could simply walk away. But they couldn't see all the threats, money problems, or other barriers you faced.
What matters
From the outside, “Why did you go back?” may sound like a simple question. But you may have been afraid of what would happen if you left. Where would you live? How would you get by? What would happen to your children, if you had any? You may also still have loved them and hoped they'd change.
Maybe you feared even greater danger after leaving. Or maybe you went back because you believed their promise that things would finally be different. None of that makes you weak.
You may still struggle to understand why you went back. But at the time, the question wasn't just whether you wanted to be with them. You also had to think about how to stay safe.
Going back didn't give them the right to hurt you.
A reminder
When I went back, I may have faced fears and obstacles other people couldn't see.
Going back didn't give them the right to hurt me again.
Sources and research (3)
- Choudhury, Martland & Luzon (2025) · Women’s Experiences of Coercive Control in Intimate Partner Relationships: A Qualitative Systematic Review
- Badenes-Sastre et al. (2025) · Cognitive Distortions and Decision-Making in Women Victims of Intimate Partner Violence: A Scoping Review
- WHO (2014) · Health Care for Women Subjected to Intimate Partner Violence or Sexual Violence: A Clinical Handbook