Psychoeducation · Trauma reactions
When someone's words and actions don't match (cognitive dissonance)
It can be hard to understand how someone who says they love you can hurt you.
It's understandable if you struggled to make sense of what they said and what they did. The contradiction wasn't your fault.
What is it?
Cognitive dissonance happens when two beliefs or experiences are hard to fit together. For example, someone promises love while causing harm.
How can it happen?
That conflict can feel upsetting. You may look for explanations, make excuses for the person, or downplay what happened for a while because facing it all at once feels difficult.
Supportive words
I wasn't wrong to feel confused. The situation itself was confusing.
I was trying to make sense of the difference between what they said and what they did.
What it does not mean
Trying to make sense of someone's behavior doesn't make what they did okay. You don't need to blame yourself for trying to understand the contradiction.
What it might feel like
“Maybe I am overreacting.” “Maybe this is normal in a relationship.”
Background and sources
Cognitive dissonance is the tension between things that do not seem to fit together. Rationalization is when we look for explanations that make this easier to live with.
These sources relate to the topic. The explanation is independently edited educational content, not a clinically tested intervention.
- Goodfriend & Arriaga (2018) · Cognitive Reframing of Intimate Partner Aggression: Social and Contextual Influences
- Arriaga, Florkiewicz & Gu (2026) · The psychological entrapment of partner abuse
- VA National Center for PTSD · Cognitive Processing Therapy
- WHO · Health care for women subjected to intimate partner violence or sexual violence: a clinical handbook (2014)